Could I move on if you were torn away?

I have sat here time and time again to try and write, and I haven't been able to. I just can't. The thought of posting yet another entry about what I'm going through right now, I just couldn't. But tonight I need to, so here it is.

First of all, to those of you who I have been talking to about my Aunt Deb - today is day 47 on life support. She has been drifting in and out of the coma she has been in. We just learned she is also paralyzed from the neck down and they don't yet know why, what caused it or if it is permanent. I am going on a leave of absence from work and leaving here on July 8th to fly there for a month to be with my family during this.

Last week, on June 14th, we reached the 1 year mark of the accident. 365 whole days seemed like such a short amount of time, but at the same time felt like it dragged on forever. There was a memorial at the crash site at 6pm that evening, and I couldn't gather the strength to go. It has been a year now and I have been to the crash site once (about 2 months ago and I vowed to never go back, it was so hard), and I haven't been to the cemetery since the day of the funerals. I don't know if that is something I will ever be able to do. I don't know if it is something I will ever want to do, and even though I'm not sure I want to do it, I feel guilty for NOT doing it yet. That doesn't even make sense to me, but its how I feel.

I'm stuck. I feel like I'm stuck here in this big cycle of grief. I don't feel as if I have made any progress. I feel like I can't move on from this. I know I will never get over it, but I feel like I can't even move past this "stuck" part. I know I have changed since June 14th, 2010. I know I have. I'm not the same person I was on June 13th, 2010. I just don't know how to go back to that person I used to be before I was hit with this.

I don't know what else to say right now, I feel like I'm constantly writing the same thing in every post but it is my life right now. I will end with this - the picture of the tattoo I got for them on May 23rd. The saran wrap is still on my arm in the first picture, but you can see the colours more clearly in that one than in the 2nd one. Both pictures were taken with my blackberry so I apologize for the quality. The tattoo is on the inside of my left arm, and starts just below the fold in your arm (where you would get bloodwork) and goes half way to my wrist.