6 months

Today is December 14th. The 6 month mark since Leigh and Megan were taken from us. And 6 months, 184 days later...I am still stuck in this hole. I feel like I am never going to get out of it. It just feels like one big never ending cycle. Losing Samantha (7 months ago today) caused me to take a few weeks "away" to deal with everything, then Leigh and Megan were killed and I took a few more weeks "away" to deal with the funerals and whatnot, and now this is December and I still haven't returned to my regular activities or my church community. That in itself is killing me but it is not something I think I am ready to do. I don't know what is holding me back. I forced myself back 2 weeks ago and again this past Sunday, and it was just so so hard. I think part of me feels like if I return to my regular routine I somehow am going to forget about them. I don't even know.

Christmas this year...I can't get into the Christmas spirit at all. I have all my shopping done and wrapped and everything, but I had to do that for the kids. As for the tree and decorating, my family put up the tree and decorated it while I watched from the background. I couldn't do it.

I don't have the energy or patience to write any more tonight...I had a little accident earlier and stabbed myself in the hand with a knife and 4 hours later it is still bleeding under all of the gauze and throbbing and its too difficult to write any more. I will check in at some point soon and stop with the posting once every few months thing if I ever get the time to sit down for more than 2 minutes at a time.